I'm extremely drunk today, Brynn.
Oh yeah? How come? Killing the pain?
I don't want to talk about it.
You pay me to listen to you. Do I get paid if we just sit here in silence?
Sure.
Hey, it's your dime.
Nice of you to make fun of me.
I'd never make fun of you.
Now, that's a lie.
You'd know.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing.
Goddammit, Brynn. Don't fuck with me when I'm wasted.
You talk pretty good for a drunk man.
It takes a lot of effort.
How do your cybernetics like it?
They don't.
Then why are you doing it?
Didn't I already tell you to mind your own business?
Sorry, should I just get out my phone and browse TikTok or something?
No, that's rude.
Then should I leave?
I don't want that, either.
You're killing me here.
You can't just sit quietly with me for a couple hours?
I'm 27 years old and a child of the Internet age, so no. I need my screens.
That's not healthy.
Says the guy who's wrecked on... whatever you drank.
Wild Turkey.
That shit again? If we're still talking by Christmas, I'm getting you some actually good alcohol.
That's not the point. I don't like it because it tastes good. It tastes like shit. I drink it because of the memories it evokes.
Of your life before?
Yeah. "My life before." I guess that's a way to put it.
In all your travels, you never found a way to just drop back into the life you had in the 2090s and pick up where you left off?
That was the fucked up thing about it. I did get the chance. I tried it on for like, a week. And I realized I just wasn't that person anymore. That really hurt.
And now you hurt yourself by getting drunk about it?
OK, therapist. We can talk about my father now.
Can we?
No.
Shame.
Tell me something about your life.
Like what?
I don't know. What's your favorite movie?
Clueless.
That's a horrible pick.
What's yours, Full Metal Jacket or something?
Shut up.
You make it too easy.
Tell me something else about you.
Like what? You want to know my favorite color? Dessert? Sex position?
That last one could be useful.
No the fuck it will not be.
Just giving it back to you a little.
You must be sobering up, you seem to get a little horny when the alcohol wears off.
You aren't supposed to know that.
You're just not very good at hiding things, as much as you think you are.
I've hidden plenty from you.
Too bad the only way you could prove it is by showing me everything you've hidden. Not that I'm gonna tell you not to do that.
Too much effort.
Yeah, can't make the old man get up and exert himself. You might throw your back out or something.
Nah, my body works perfectly fine.
If you don't get that fucking look off your face when you say shit like that...
What, you gonna hit me or something? I'll call Adult Protective Services.
And when they hear you kept making unwanted advances on me--
I'm senile. I can't help it. I don't even know who you are. Are you my wife? You look like my wife. You're so beautiful. I just want to hold my wife's hand.
For fuck's sake.
Language. So, what, we're at an impasse here?
Unless you want to tell me a story about yourself or have more probing questions like "what's Brynn's favorite episode of Maury?"
That's a good one. Answer it.
How the hell would I know? Didn't they make like 800 episodes of that?
5545 episodes in total, actually.
I hate that you knew that instantly.
I basically have Wikipedia on steroids in my head, remember?
And yet I have to fact check you all the time.
Oh, that's just because I have to know exactly what I want to look up in order to determine whether my information is good. That's a lot harder than a simple lookup like "how many episodes of Maury are there?"
Dr. Agon must be spinning in his grave that you're using his technology for stuff like this.
I hope so!
Oh my god.
That snort you just did was adorable.
Shut up!
Elder abuse!
Stop making me laugh!
What's that? I couldn't hear you because I'm old and my ears don't work.
I'm gonna fucking piss myself if you keep it up!
Oh, I'll stop, then. Getting out the mop is a lot of hassle.
You really will do anything to avoid work, huh?
That's always been my aim, even if you might think otherwise. Everything just turns out to have a lot more steps and complications than I expect.
The best laid plans, etc.
Yeah, that one. I don't get how we're having this kind of conversation.
What do you mean?
Normally, I just talk and you drop in the occasional sarcastic remark or whatever. But this is a full-blown conversation.
As long as I get paid for those, you're welcome to have one anytime.
I'm mad that I enjoy talking with you like this.
Why? I'm not good enough for you to find me interesting?
Oh, stop it. You know my MO. I try not to get attached to people.
Oh yeah, that's like the first thing I figured out about you, beyond the surface details.
And now I'm attached to you.
Robert, I swear to god...
Relax, I'm not going to hit on you... again. How's that one go? "I've grown accustomed to your face."
That's sweet but don't push it.
Very hard for me to not push, as a general rule.
I thought you hated effort?
Well, not that kind of effort.
Gross. You really are a stereotype.
I'm in my dirty old man era.
If you use one more phrase like that I'm going to lose it.
So you're saying you don't want to see me go sicko mode.
Stay the fuck off TikTok!
I actually got that stuff from Twitter.
That's even worse.
Is it? I thought tumblr was the bad one.
No, tumblr is good now. Twitter is the worst. Facebook is embarrassing but not horrific. TikTok is where all the cool stuff happens now, but people are also reclaiming tumblr, somehow.
I learn so much from you, Brynn. Can you explain what a "skibidi toilet" is?
Look it up in your fucking Brainipedia if you really want to know.